I know it has only been two slim weeks since I got back home from my summer, but something is irking me. I just cannot seem to get 100% into the mindset that I desire so closely. And how do I know this mindset so well? From the mental freedom and acuity that I experienced during the summer. After years and years of routine at home, when I get an opportunity like I had with some serious focus for three months, I don’t come back the same. I come back wanting.

I mean, I love the teaching assistantships that I am doing this semester. For me, lecturing is the most unique and expressive way of communicating that I have experienced to date. A medium of communication like lecturing is a whole universe to me – it is life, nature, and truth. And, aside from teaching, I am also secure on all of the basic aspects of life. Good family, supportive yet excitingly odd friends, a good house, etc. This bothering of my soul is not easily summed up as a mere search for deeper meaning. That is only a part of it; I am already comfortable and curious with the meaning. This specific desire inside of me is more along the lines of getting back to a state of mind that I know is possible: I felt it. I’m just going about it in the wrong ways here, steering wrong in the walk of life.

I have the same amount of seconds in the day as Einstein did or as the student who sits in front of me in math class, thus I cannot and will not say that I don’t have the time to find this mindset again. What bothers me the most is the idea that the last tiny percentile of this is driving me in circles because I haven’ yet found/recreated/rediscovered the key ingredients that made up the mindset. Funny how your work can be 98% finished and perfect, but that last 2% can drive some to insanity – a broken fork in the road.

I know that my words feel vague, but have you ever seen my expression? My drawings? Conceptual, folk-like, and introspective. Right now, my mental leak and gap in the mind is the result of a questioning of my future activities, the result of a squawk by my desire to read, the result of a yearning to develop close and meaningful relationships with similar challenge-junkies and cerebral folks, the result of a looming feeling of waste as I overdo some various pointless details, and finally, the result of an endearment for the perfect blend of creativity, input, output, stability, and satisfaction from daily life – throughout my entire life.

Believe me, I’ll keep looking. In the next days, I’ll come back with answers and paths to this compelling satisfaction, I am sure. Probably some changes as well, but importantly: answers. Whatever they are, I will force my right-of-way not to let any shade of fear restrict my impending momentous journey, for then it would no longer be an impending and momentous journey.

I haven’t gotten but a few microseconds of time to mess with fire modeling or fire dynamics since I got back from Maryland only a couple of weeks ago. One gets tied up with moving and taking on administrative duties, and before you realize where your mind is on the map, you are buried thousands of layers in paperwork and the such.

Still, my brain needs its free time to wander.

So I think about fire – and education – and how it might change in the next ten years. The current student generation of computer users and fire protection engineers are going through an interesting time in which technology is emerging faster than most can comprehend, like a breezy wind through the desert. But often, students that I see will only gather the first level understanding of things to come. Right click here, see this, write down that result – computer says it – must be right. And I am left wondering about the flames that were lost in the fire due to a lack of thought. I suppose that I am wrong in thinking that all engineering students are by default very analytical or wanting to question deeper into the science behind these ideas.

But I wonder, if the younger generation of students is learning Linear Algebra and Calculus in high school, and the dead ends that we hit with technology each and every day will be vanished in 10 or 15 years, what will happen to the analysis of fire science, or all scientific research for that matter? Sure, we all have tools like Excel and MATLAB to utilize, but what good are they without mindful innovation, mental articulation, and a true understanding of fire? That should be the title of a fire protection college course in itself. Think of the obstacles such as log tables and huge calculation sheets that held back the previous engineers because so much tedious work was involved. With these modern day hindrances (tedious computer keystrokes or manual/static ways of computing) removed, will the analytical eye of the mind in the next generation grow bigger and bigger and be able to see more than we can and comprehend the truly important?

I can only hope so. And this is why I love learning and teaching conceptually, rather than rambling off beefed-up instruction sets, cumbersome lists, bland methods, or Powerpoint presentations (the postmodern lecturer’s brain babysitter) that will be outdated in a year or two. Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? You should see what I see – teachers teaching and not at all being understood by their numerous, willing students – and not just in my small field of interest.

I desperately want change, learning, and understanding to occur in mass around me, and will do to my best effort to see it happen – even starting right now in my life. But for now, I have to finish filling out these forms and paperwork necessary to request the starting of these valiant efforts.

It’s been a busy two weeks, and whenever I wait this long between writing posts the subjects will vivaciously meld together since I’ve let too many thoughts go on by without taking their toll. I am about 80% moved in, and of course, I realize how much crap that I have. I plan to give away, donate, or sell 75% of my belongings until I get rid of this looming feeling weighing me down, suffocating my sense of freedom. On the other side of waking life, it is lovely to wake up and eat breakfast on this porch:

It is interesting to describe life here in Eastwood, which is one of the first planned subdivisions in Houston. Living here, I take in a small town feeling like no other place I’ve been – despite the fact that I am smack in the middle of a humongous city. Consider the fact that this neighborhood has barber shops, local grocery stores, hardware shops, family-owned dollar stores, more small restaurants/shacks/buses than you can handle, art supply stores, and so on. Also think of the fact that the closest Walmart is a 10 miles journey. In addition, you observe trees, people actually walking around outside – interacting – relaxing on the porch. This is Eastwood, in the 77023 area of Houston, and this is the place that I can gladly and comfortably call home for now.

Moving back to daily life, it has been a hectic two weeks as I struggle to set up robust systems for home life, school work, future grad. school work, and helping other organizations. I think a lot has been done in this short time. Giving myself about one more week to get everything in line sounds good, as I have only been back for %18 percent of the time that I was gone for during the summer.

This year – between the greatest schedule ever, friends and new friends to stimulate mind and life, getting to work with fire dynamics and FDS day after day, finally getting to work with numerical analysis and get on track with my true fascination, and having the supportive and most caring fiancee in the world – this is going to be a wonderful year and I can’t wait to see where I will be posting from in exactly a year from now.

I finally made my way back to Houston after 11 weeks of fun and fire science. My last week in Maryland was curiously loaded with advice, presentations, and fun until the last day. Exiting the tunnel of the summer left me with a closed but living chapter in my life.

Have you ever left for a few months to return to a new house? That is an intriguing feeling. The new house is exactly what I wished for upon returning from a conjoined environment like NIST for the summer. I’ll be certain to post some pictures in the next couple of days. The house truly has a homely feeling like no other – it was built in 1939. I love this neighborhood; you just can’t get a home in a neighborhood like this anymore in newly built residences. Oh, and a fantastic porch and backyard help, too!

Now that I am back, I will be embarking on many adventures at school during this coming academic year. One more week and I will be teaching a couple of classes, Fire Dynamics and Intro to Fire Modeling. I can’t wait! Hopefully I will be able to grab each little thing that I have learned from a slew of different types of professors and turn that into the best form of teaching that I possibly can. A class where you just can’t pry the book or notes from your own hands regardless of the subject matter – because it reaches inside of your brain and immerses you in its intellectual glory.

And that’s the point.

Yes, I do fire modeling, fire dynamics, and the such. But forget all of that. One year ago in this month of August, I dropped everything that I was doing – including an income from work – to pursue my dream. I wanted to be able to read, write, and teach something. For me, that something was fire science (what’s yours?). It was a tough year with money and stress to start with, but I stuck to only doing what what I loved, and let the rest work itself out. A mere year later, I am not closer to anything, because there is no end – it is a way of life.

I had no idea what I would be doing. I am simply here, doing what I love, surrounded by people who do what they love.

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I head back to Houston tomorrow mid-day.

This week was so sickeningly action-packed that I constantly forgot where I was. A visit to University of Maryland’s fire protection engineering department proved to be mind-expanding yet makes my decision for graduate school that much more difficult, like blinding insight on a decision for how to spend two to five years of your life.

Also this week, getting great advice from my advsior, co-advisor, and another NIST fire employee regarding life, computational fluid dynamics, grad. school, the philosophy of fire, and other such fire things. I got to take pictures of every book on the fire research bookshelf too before I left, this makes me happy.

The bad part of the week? Seeing close friends leave for the long-term, sort of like a lightning-fast mental death.

I just consumed perhaps the best homemade taco meal ever made. Thanks , of course to a Texas-style care package that my lovely friends Marcos and Jose sent over. I opened this mysterious 30 lb. box only to find it filled with old-school Lone Star beer, classic taco seasoning, a pound of tortillas, Lucas, and then some. Delicious! You guys rocked my soul with that care package.

A lot has happened even with only 7 days left. I spoke to a faculty member who works at the University of Maryland (UMD) and NIST, as he came to meet with me regarding graduate studies in fire protection engineering. He heads up the FDS research there, apparently at the #15 ranked research school in the nation. That makes my head warm like a toaster. UMD has been eons more responsive than the other school than I am considering, and its funny how an hour and a half meeting can rearrange your whole view of a lifetime. This happens to me more often than I can even dream up. So, next week I will be visiting the UMD campus and get to meet the fire superstars and plentiful brainy resources there.

Will I be feeding my brain with fire in Maryland or Massachusetts in a year?

On a much more easy to stomach scale, as far as this weekend goes, I have just been catching up with some administrative stuff. Getting ready for some fall courses: to take some and to teach some. Perfect. Also, I’ve been preparing the Society of Fire Protection Engineers Student Chapter for a rockin’ semester. Writing out words and words about fire, FDS, community, teaching, fire, cables, cables on fire, and soybeans.

But wait, getting ready to move into a new house is another thing excitedly looming in the humid August air! A thinking room therein will contain a huge black chalkboard, fire books staring over my shoulder – waiting to be written from, a large window facing West to take in the cool orange sunlight in the evening, three colorful pens for editing, and enough paper to contain my thoughts for a year. I can’t wait, Ami and John.

Of course, transitioning into this means that there are some friends that I will be whisked thousands of miles from after I leave here, Gaithersburg. You remember that friend that was so amazingly insightful and inspiring to be around, that friend from four, maybe five years ago? When was the last time that you – yeah, it’s kind of like that. A mindful, overhanging death of a micro-era. Celebrate it with delight – the life edition.

Finally, my presentation is next week, so perhaps I should get to it. 15 minutes to leave my ding in the minds of a powerful few. It was a respectful privilege to do what I did this summer. 1000 pages of thought and exploration can only pinpoint what that thing was.

This summer really has had no price tag. So much development came from thousands of seen and unseen places, much like the making of a sweet, sweet, simple taco dinner.